Oh, man I don’t even know where to begin here. Let start by saying I was optimistic about Red Riding Hood. I didn’t expect it to blow me away by any means, but I did expect passable enjoyment and a lot of pretty cinematography. This film meets at least one of those expectations.

This film is beautifully made and the set construction is amazing in detail; Daggerhorn’s design feels like it came straight from the pages of an RPG concept artists’ sketchbook. The film-makers also manage to give you a sense of scope and isolation. There are lots of gorgeous, sweeping shots of vast, threatening forests and bubbling brooks that let you know that Daggerhorn and our characters are WAY the heck out there, and help is in short supply. It’s a very picturesque fairytale setting, and easily the film’s strongest aspect.

But pretty pictures aside, this movie has major flaws, and suffers an identity crisis. Red Riding Hood tries to be a lot of things at once and fails to really excel at any of them: it’s a horror/fantasy/who-dun-it all rolled into one. The movie spends much of it’s energy trying to cast as much suspicion on as many characters as it can,  and when it’s not doing this it tries to appeal to all the angsty kids out there who aren’t still totally obsessed with Twilight. There is a particularly strange celebration scene that can only be described as a “village rave” complete with lesbianic medieval dancing that looks just completely ridiculous. The music of the film isn’t bad, but is indicative of the film’s own confused nature. It’s a mixed bag of original score composed by Brian Reitzell and Alex Heffes and Swedish electronic artist Fever Ray. There’s even a track by psychedelic trip-hop group The Big Pink thrown in for good measure.

Character development is also an afterthought in this film. Almost everyone in the flick is as two dimensional as the film reel on which they are captured. Seyfried and Oldman do as much as they can with the characters they are given, but it’s not a lot. Seyfried has good chemistry with Fernandez in spite of the fact that his performance is pretty wooden (see what I did there?)

It’s obvious that the PG-13 rating is more for violence than sexual situations. The film tries to be sexy, but approaches it timidly and a little too cleanly.  You’d figure that a movie that is geared toward the younger crowd would be supercharged with sex appeal. But overall this flick fizzles more than it sizzles. No glistening hard man-bodies with chiseled abs, no heaving buxom. Not even a little milky white thigh action. Seyfried’s and Fernandez’s almost-roll-in-the-hay scene is only kinda hot. There’s a notable moment in the film when a homely girl offers herself to Father Solomon in return for her brother’s release, which is easily the most awkward encounter of the whole film.

The best part about this movie from a nerd perspective is Michael Shanks (Stargate: SG1, Smallville) and Michael Hogan (Battlestar Galactica) who have brief roles that sadly are cut short in the first 20 minutes of the film. All in all, Red Riding Hood is kinda like your first sexual encounter all over again: You’re excited going in, but it ends up just being awkward and emabrassing. Sad too, because it could have been so much more.

I give Red Riding Hood 2 out of 5 stars. (and those stars are for Shanks and Hogan)