Genre: Action/ Adaptation from classic cartoon series from the 80’s
Director: Stephen Sommers (Van Helsing, The Scorpion King, The Mummy franchise)
Writers: For screenplay- Stuart Beattie (Australia, 30 Days of Night, Pirates of the Caribbean), David Elliot, and Paul Lovett
Actors: Channing Tatum as Duke, Marlon Wayans as Ripcord, Christopher Eccleston as McCullen/ Destro, Joseph Gordon-Levitt as Rex/ The Doctor, Sienna Miller as Ana/ Baroness, Rachel Nichols as Shana ‘Scarlett’ O’Hara, Byung-hun Lee as Storm Shadow, Ray Park as Snake Eyes, Dennis Quaid as General Hawk, Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje as Heavy Duty, Arnold Vosloo as Zartan, Jonathan Pryce as the U.S. President,
Time: Not so distant future.
Setting: This one hops all over the Earth.
Summary: A special military unit of the world’s finest soldiers protects the world from a global domination plot by a power hungry arms dealer.
Run time: 118 min.
While it is cool to see the “G.I. Joe” cast come to life in this live-action movie, I think that is as far as your excitement should go because you’re in for disappointment if you want anything else at all.
The only way to enjoy this movie is to leave your brain at home. Even then, make sure you don’t think about the plot or the characters. Just watch the pretty CGI fly by you on the screen.
:rubs brain: I unfortunately, brought my brain to see “G.I. Joe” and regret it thoroughly.
WARNING: This review of “G. I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra“ is spoiler-ridden because there is just no substance to this movie.
From the commercials, I thought “G. I. Joe” might be fun to watch with the cool weapons technology they have, but no, I was wrong. The action sequences did not even hold my attention enough to let me enjoy any of it well. This is quite sad considering that I really enjoy a good fight whether it be hand-to-hand or swords or tanks!
It was as if the entire film was shouting- “Look how much money we spent on CGI! Look here and there and see how we can even replace practical effects with CGI!” They just kept throwing technology shot after technology shot at you, slapping you in the face with secret bases and battle tech that you would normally drool over except here, it was just too much and simply not believable! (pictured left: Duke and Ripcord in their accelerator suits dodging missiles in traffic.)
Not only are you visually overwhelmed in a negative way, but you feel absolutely NOTHING for the characters. Plus, how can you take Storm Shadow seriously when he looks like a Korean boy band reject? (not to mention that this shirtless scene was way too short)
They changed the story as well- somehow the Baroness is American and was Duke’s ex-fiance and she and Cobra Commander are related. Wha? Yes, and I’m shaking my head right now. They had to weave some sort of a story for Duke. Let’s leave the ‘plot’ aside before it turns into a pile of mush in our hands.
There were playful cameos by Brendan Fraser (who was Flint or Stone as he’s called here) and Arnold Vosloo as Zartan, but these scenes were flanked with images of the Egyptian desert. What could I possibly think with the context of these images? The Mummy! That’s all I could see for those sequences and I found myself thinking how much of a better movie “The Mummy” is compared to this. Stephen Sommers, I know you did “The Mummy”. I actually really enjoyed Mummy I and II. What happened on G.I.Joe?
From my childhood, I remember that the cartoon was fun and exaggerated. This movie was neither! Marlon Wayans couldn’t save this movie with his bits of humor. Ray Park couldn’t save this movie with his bad-assness. Channing Tatum couldn’t save this movie with his good looks. Even Sienna Miller and Rachel Nichols couldn’t save this movie with their hotness!
The only stand-out aspect in “G .I. Joe” was Joseph Gordon-Levitt, playing Cobra Commander. Never mind how much his origin story is fubar-ed- he still succeeded in creeping me out.
They do manage to throw in a “knowing is half the battle” and “Yo, Joe!” in there, but that’s just tiny little nods, too little, too late. The let’s-be-PC-proper change from “Real American Hero” to “the real united nations of heroes” diluted the original concept as well. They try so hard not to piss anyone off with this movie… except the French. A landmark recognized world-wide had to be destroyed and guess what, France? Your Eiffel tower is it! Funny that the French didn’t even like the Eiffel Tower when it was first installed. Actually, they vehemently abhorred that “Tower of Babel”!
This film is one big FACEPALM event. This is clearly a ploy to sell lots and lots of G. I. Joe toys. Hasbro, we have heard you. You didn’t have to make a crappy movie to get us to buy toys, but now, this is bad enough for me not to buy any of your wares!
Zen’s rating: 2 outta 5 cracks of the whip!
Additional note: I am SO glad that I did not wait for hours to get a pass to see this film. I would have been PISSED!
Check out my companion news article of what to watch INSTEAD of this G.I. Joe film and still get your G.I. Joe fix.
