Last month, just before San Diego Comic-Con, Sony Pictures and MGM launched a a viral campaign for director José Padilha‘s (Elite Squad, Elite Squad 2) forthcoming remake of RoboCop, starring Joel Kinnaman, Gary Oldman, Samuel L. Jackson, Hugh Laurie and Abbie Cornish.
The viral site they launched is based on OmniCorp, the the malevolent mega-corporation from the film that revives police officer Alex Murphy (Joel Kinnaman) as the titular superhuman cyborg.
[Possible Spoilers Ahead]
After the viral video (below) was released, I was optimistic that this remake could end up being pretty awesome. All of that optimism pretty much went in the toilet when Brendon over at BleedingCool managed to cobble together a series of Tweets from Drew over at HitFix, who happened to be reading Joshua Zetumer and Nick Schenk‘s screenplay for the forthcoming remake.
I tried to read the “Robocop” remake, but 20 pages in my nose started bleeding and I forgot my name. #nobueno #reallynobueno
I will try this again once my blood pressure’s gone down. But, seriously, folks, “Robocop” was already perfect.
I’ll share this one detail. In the film, when Murphy is turned into Robocop 1.0, it’s described “a high-tech version of the ’80s suit.”
Then they show a focus group scene where criminals laugh at the design. “He looks like a toy from the ’80s!”
So they redesign him to look “meaner” as Robocop 2.0, who passes focus group approval.
So they not only make sure to include the original design, they also point out it’s dated and stupid. *facepalm*
That sounds “no bueno” indeed. – He continues:
Hold onto your sides for more hilarious “Robocop” details. They outsource his construction to China. #seriously
And we meet the ED-209s in the field in Iran, where they’re used to subdue suicide bombers. #ineedallthedrinksnow
Short version: this script makes my stomach hurt very, very badly.
Ahhh… now they just dropped Robocop 3.0 onto an Al Queda training camp to see what he does.
“He should be programmed to incapacitate in all scenarios.” “Agreed. Let’s keep him PG-13, Dr. Norton.” No. No. No. No.
It couldn’t possibly get any worse, could it?
By page 54, they are already onto Robocop 4.0, who looks like a “cop on steroids painted metallic blue.”
Oh, god… oh dear god… Robocop is a Transformer. He goes from “social mode” to “combat mode” and back. Full transformation.
I’m going to go stand in my backyard and scream at the moon for a while. My brain needs a shower.
Write it down. Page 55, the “Robocop” remake beat me. I’m done. I can’t hurt more than this.
Okay… the two “best” lines in the script. First up is at the unveiling ceremony for Robocop in Detroit, from a TV reporter covering it.
“I think it’s safe to say that Alex Murphy is now part man, part machine, ALL COP!” Yes, I too remember the original poster, asshat.
Second, after the traumatic first meeting with his father, Alex’s son retreats to the apartment of Lewis, Murphy’s male partner.
The scene ends with the action line “David sits, catatonic, looks at the TV — MGM REMAKE TBD.”
I feel like one of those little potato people staring directly into The Dark Crystal. And, yet, pages keep turning…
Good god… it just keeps topping itself. It’s like someone wrote a script scientifically fine-tuned to destroy me.
Someone shows Pope, head of the OCP project, some mock-ups for Robocop action figures. “Are you kidding? I wouldn’t buy that for a dollar!”
His final thoughts:
When this thing hits theaters, people are going to call up Len Wiseman’s “Total Recall” on the phone and apologize for being so mean.
I’ll say this: once the script stops all the winky-winky crap and just starts telling a story, it’s not terrible. But it’s way too late.
If you can get past Robocop The Transformer, there are some interesting action beats. And I’m sure Padilla will direct the hell out of it.
But overall? Ouch. Ouch. Ohpleasedon’t. Ouch. And a big side order of ouch.
Viral Video: RoboCop: Omnicorp Product Line
In RoboCop, the year is 2029 and multinational conglomerate OmniCorp is at the center of robot technology. Their drones are winning American wars around the globe and now they want to bring this technology to the home front. Alex Murphy is a loving husband, father and good cop doing his best to stem the tide of crime and corruption in Detroit. After he is critically injured in the line of duty, OmniCorp utilizes their remarkable science of robotics to save Alex’s life. He returns to the streets of his beloved city with amazing new abilities, but with issues a regular man has never had to face before.
RoboCop directed by José Padilha, and starring Joel Kinnaman, Gary Oldman and Samuel L. Jackson is slated to hit theaters on August 9th, 2013.